i've been giving and listening to orals in spanish class the past several class periods, and a particular topic caught my eye: happiness. so i had to write something about it here... not anything that's going to preach about what happiness is or supposed to be-- just my two cents, which is neither right nor wrong.
a whole nine letters and you get what you can call an enriching life. to add to that, everyone uses this word (or some form of it), everywhere. "i'm happy", "be happy", "they lived happily ever after". i'm not sure about most people, but when some word or saying is overused, it loses its novelty and meaning. it becomes so pedestrial and fake. "happiness" is one of those words. when you hear it too often or you use it constantly, you probably do one of three things: 1) never understand its importance, 2) lower its significance progressively, or 3) discard it all together. is happiness really that temporary?
one thing about anything in life is that everything has a reciprocal. a contradicition. an opposite force, per se. such goes for everything. good has evil, loud has quiet, to counteract themselves. happiness is the same thing. you have to know the agony and the loneliness associcated with sadness in order to thoroughly embrace happiness. this is not to say that you have to have experienced it, but the results you feel are much more overwhelming that way... in a good way, of course. the existence of something's counterpart makes its partner worth waiting and/or looking for. because there is silence, there is music. because there is sun, there is rain. because there are hardships in life, there are the pleasures.
so next time you aren't feeling so great, remember that its opposite came along for the ride. all that's left to do is for you to find it. it's already there; it's up to you to seek it.
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it dawned on me today that i could actually count down the days i have left in high school. the seniors have only 14 more days of school left. 14 days of walking into the band room that has become my second home, 14 more days of walking through the familiar school grounds, 14 more days of seeing the same smiling faces i've greeted the last four years. that's less than three weeks.
it's always been the other way around. for the past three years, i've bid farewell to the upperclassmen. it's a strange feeling to know that it will be me who is going to be said goodbye, and not the other way around. i know that there comes a time for everything, and that nothing lasts forever. but the whole mentality of it all... it's just incomprehensible at this point. and i won't learn until after the fact. experience is our best teacher.
until i can get my mind in the right place, though, i think i'll stick with it day by day. seize the day, as they always say.
on a different note, i'd just like to say that i lost several pounds today just running, marching with drums (quints/bass), and playing keys (pit). drumline DOES require the athletic build, the stamina, and the will. most people think that marching is not a sport. oh, trust us-- it is. and if you think that you don't get some muscular calves when you crab walk... you're wrong again. add to that some drums. i was carrying quints, which weighs almost 30lbs if not more, and that's more than 1/4 my weight. the harness was adjusted for a taller person, so that wasn't helping my back. it also cut into my hip bone, so now it's all bruised. my calves burn, my lungs expand, my heart pounds. ah, marching is my passion.
and now, i'm getting ready to go to a party at my friend's house. weekends have never been busier... or more fun.
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many topics to address. patience is your companion this time around.
it seems to me that within everything you do not understand, therein lies the answer. thus, once you know the problem, you also know the answer. it is freakishly true.
we all "suffer" through these madness of uncontrollable misery, or whatever you want to call those bad day streaks. but the saying is true: pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. everything is a mental thing; you cause your own sweet misery. take for instance, a horrible day. you failed a test, forgot your homework, lost your wallet, and there's not much moral support you can lean back on. but at the end of the day, you get to spend some time with one of your closest friends, a person who understands and listens. doesn't that make the day ten times better? and to think, just before, you were having a bad day... or were you? maybe you thought you were.
sometimes, i wonder how i get through everyday. i don't say this because i'm depressed. no-- i say this because it really intrigues me how little we live consciously. iseriously think that i've gone through this week half awake. might as well have been, because i never stopped to appreciate it until tonight while i was watching the eclipse. and then i noticed how beautiful it was and how much nature gives us and how little we give in return... nature is so good to us.
speaking of the moon, who else got to see the eclipse tonight? wow... it was amazing.it was a rare occasion for certain reasons. it's not everyday the earth's shadow perfectly aligns with the moon, for one. but moreso because of the fact that there was one only five years ago. if you know the moon's phase at all, this is supposed to occur every ten years or so. the last eclipse was seen in february of 1998. five years. that's half the length of a normal interval. i don't know what to make of that, but that might be because of something. of course, i wouldn't know exactly what, but it's a different cycle than before. to add to this, joe tells me that in the past ten years, the moon has become smaller. in other words, the moon is getting further and further away from planet earth. the gravitational force will someday wither and the moon, of course, will not be seen again with the naked eye. but by then, all life forms will have become extinct. though not in our lifetime, just the thought of that makes me uneasy. no moon. no sun. no life. scary.
barefoot.
as i walk, only the waves can sway me,
only the moon can show me,
only you can comfort me.
sand between your toes,
like the thousand joys undiscovered,
so little patience to enjoy its soothing touch.
smell the salt in the air--
it reminds me of the dreams of yesterday,
reality of today.
copyright 2003 mai kozai
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happy mother's day, mom.
you know, mother's day is one of those days that make you realize something. whether it be appreciation or abhorrence, you feel something nevertheless. for some, this may be a day filled with smiles because your mother is the best mom in the whole world who is always there for you. for others, it may be a day when you realize that you are different from everyone else because you don't have a mother for specific reasons. and there are still some others who have a mother but can't show their utmost appreciation. such person, is myself.
when there is a distance of almost half of the world between you and your mother, it's not that easy. i would have showered her with flowers and done all the house chores for her so she could get some rest. but unfortunately, i can't pull money out of my pocket, buy a plane ticket, and jet on over. i can call her, but it's not the same talking to her in person. i could e-mail her, but that's so impersonal sometimes. and then to think of all the times she's helped me... i feel horrible not being able to do a lot for her.
but mom, if you ever feel like perusing through this weblog, i just want to let you know that you are such a wonderful mother and an amazing person. i'm blessed to have you as my mother. i love you and miss you a lot.
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one of the worst feelings in the world is that nauseating feeling you get whenever another "what if..." is added to your list. it makes you feel helpless and stupid... pissed off at the 'past you' because he/she didn't think about the 'future you'. physically speaking, of course, you are but one person. you are the same person you were two years ago, maybe wiser, maybe not. that's not a factor in this. the fact stands that you are still the one and only person you were in the past.
the thing about "what ifs" is that it's neither right nor wrong. this makes everything harder to cope, because here you are, living either its dream or its aftermath. it is all in your head, a mental struggle. there are clear advantages to this; if the outlook is optimistic, then the outcome will obviously convert itself to something beneficial, no matter how unpleasant it sounds. then again, the rope tugs at both ends. it's just as easy to consider the product as something detrimental. once again, it's all in the mind and how you want to interpret your actions.
for me, i've learned to be happy with the result. the past is done; i can look back at it, but i can't change it. and personally, i wouldn't alter a thing even if i had the power to "make things better" or "take back things i've said". what we can do, is change the future. it's okay to worry about the past, but never let it deviate you too much off course. there's a whole world out there for you. people seldom find it simply because their past is the string that attatches to its little puppet who is you.
it took me 18 years of my life to finally understand that. if you're stuck in the little room marked "past", i advise you to take a peek into the door right next door labeled "future". or why not look around in the halls and enjoy the "present"? venture around. i am positive that you will find something you like.
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the past couple of days, i ended up spending at my friend's beach house. it's beautiful there. though i had no access to any computers (and even if i did, i didn't have the time), i thoroughly enjoyed the atmosphere. besides, we worked our stomachs out by laughing our brains out. that was hilarious, gurly.
then today, i finally get a hold of my own computer, at my house. drumline and honor band are conflicting, and my schedule's a mess. and to think that it's already may. i wonder what this month will bring. april turned out to be one of the best months for me this year (so far). can you believe that it's already been four months after the new year started? time goes by quickly, people. way too fast.
it rained today. i've said this many times over, but i absolutely love the rain. after a drumline performance, the four of us (including myself) went to go get some food. at about 10:15pm, we decide that we want to go to the nearest park and run around in the rain. capricious and impulsive, yes i know. but it was so fun! we played in the playground; it reminded me of when i was little. so it was much fun. great fun. all four concorded on the opinion that rain is great for the soul. we are definitely doing something like this again.
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